Save me from myself
by BreatheSemperMea
Summary: Arizona left for Africa eight weeks ago, Callie's about to make a mistake...Will Arizona be back in time? How do they deal with the aftermath? Rated M for a reason
1. Without you, I am not okay

Unfortunately, I own nothing. All right belong to Shondaland

**Calliopes POV**

The room around her wrapped her in nearly complete darkness, only the streetlights barely lightening it gave enough away to recognize her body sitting on the couch and the rest of her furniture. But light or no light, it didn't matter. It was her apartment and she knew her way around. Knew every corner of every table, every wall.

The answering machine before her, the little red six flashing every five seconds, told her the number of missed calls of the last eight weeks. Eight damn Weeks. The Latina took a deep breath and hold it, filling her cheeks with the oxygen.

Next to the answering machine on the table was a small silver piece of metal, reflecting the red light of the machine. On the ground was a nearly empty bottle of Vodka and only she knew she'd taken some aspirin ten minutes ago. A deathly combination – she'd thought everything through.

The back of her hand found her cheek and wiped away some tears. Why was the pain still so present? Why didn't it stop?

"You have six new messages. Message one: October 18th, 3:23pm", rang the female computer voice through the little speakers as Callie pressed the play-button.

"Calliope, I...I...I'm just calling to tell you that I made it...I made it safe to Malawi."  
She knew. She'd checked the flight online every hour to be sure her heart landed at the other end of the world.

"Message two: October 18th, 4:15pm."

"Calliope, are you home? I..." and then nothing, just the sound of someone hanging up the phone.

She'd not been home. And even if she had, she couldn't make herself pick up the phone.

"Message three: October 20th, 7pm."

But there was no message. Just some rustling and sobbing at the end of the line until it went dead.

"Message four: October 21st, 7:45pm."

"Calliope..." silence filled the room, "I am so sorry. It's better this way. You would not have been happy here. You had to stay in Seattle, stay with your friends. Maybe you can understand on day."  
She would never understand it. Never. Arizona was gone for the next three years. No, for at least two years and ten months. And after that?

"Message five: October 23rd, 2:15am."  
"Calliope, I know it is the middle of the night in Seattle, but please, I need a sign. Something. Anything. Teddy doesn't know how you are. Mark doesn't know. Not even Cristina knows. Please, Calliope, tell me you're okay. I need to hear from you, that you are okay."  
How could she be okay? It was impossible. Every evening, when she replayed the messages over and over again, she was asking herself, how Arizona dare to expect her to be okay. Her blonde angel, who'd helped her build herself up again, left. She was gone. Abandoned her, just like everybody else in her past. So, how could she be okay when the pain was still there?

"Message six: October 25th, 11:20am."

"Calliope...I...I love you. Don't you ever forget that."  
"Never", she whispered and didn't care about the tears spilling from her eyes anymore. They were dropping from her chin into her lap, they used to choose this way every time.

Without further thinking she took the piece of metal in her right hand and started to play with it. The sharp edges scratched her palm slightly. She clutched it firmly until she felt the blood in her hand. Her fingers held on tight to the silver and she put it on her left arm, when the phone rang. She waited. The answering machine would record this call as well. Three, two, one:

"Calliope, I am worried about you. Please, please pick up." She looked up, straight to the little black machine in front of her on the coffee table. In the background were sounds of a honking car and there was rustling again.

"Damn it, Calliope. My battery is nearly dead. Please call-" And that was it. Apparently, the connection was gone.

Tears started to streak down her cheek again and made her vision blurry. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered. The grip on the razor blade in her hand got firmer and she put it directly on the skin of her left wrist.

* * *

AN: There's more to come, if you want. I have three more parts finished already, just waiting for a lovely friend to beta read it, because english is not my first language and I don't want to bother you with mistakes^^

AN2: Reviews are very welcome ;) You know the drill.


	2. I am here

I own nothing.

**Arizonas POV**

"Mark! Mark Sloan, open that goddamn door." She banged with her fist on the apartment door of Callie's best friend. It was way after an acceptable time for such an attack, but it was her only chance. Callie had not contacted her over the past eight weeks. Not a word that she was okay. Not a word that she was far from okay. She'd expected a lot after their argument at the airport, her accusations and her calls. Spanish curses, breakdowns, maybe speeches full of hate and anger. She'd expected a call, telling her to go to hell if she'd ever so much as think about calling her again. But there was nothing and that worried her the most.

"Robbins? What are you doing here?", Mark asked as he opened the door in just his boxers.

"Where is she?"  
"Where is who?"

"Calliope."

"At home, I guess", he answered, pointing to the blue apartment door across the floor: 502.

"Give me the key, Mark!", she demanded.

"Robbins, what-"  
"Give me the damn key, Sloan. If you don't know how she's doing, and nobody else does, I have to see with my own eyes. I called her and she did not pick up...never picked up."  
"She wants to be alone."  
"She can be alone as soon as I am convinced that she is okay."  
"Robbins, that is the point. She is not okay. She works, she sleeps. Sometimes, she eats. But she is far from being okay. She's like a shadow, a shell of the Callie you left, a shell of my best friend. So, if it is not in your fucked up mind to pick up the pieces and patch her up again, then go back to where you came from and leave the rest to us", he growled.

"Do you see this?", she asked and pointed to the suitcase next to her. "That is exactly my plan, Sloan. I made the biggest mistake of my life when I entered that plane without her. And I knew it as I landed in Malawi – hell, even before. But I had to make sure that the kids in Malawi got what they deserved, what they needed. I could not let them suffer for my mistakes. So I stayed, found a replacement and maybe you can't imagine, but it is not as easy as it sounds to get a flight from Malawi to Seattle. Please, Mark, the key."

She hold back her tears. This was not the right time and definitely not the right place for an emotional breakdown.

"There you go", he said as he handed her the key ring. "I swear, if you-"

"Shove it, Sloan. You do not have to threaten me, I am going nowhere." She grabbed the key, turned on her heels and not even two seconds later she stood in front of the door that held her future and her past. But she hoped it was more her future than her past. She hoped, it would be her home again.  
The blonde took a deep breath and then turned the key. One time, a second time and the sound of a lock unlocking filled her ears. She blinked a few times. The apartment was pitch black and her eyes refused to see anything because they were still used to the bright light of the hallway. The blue-eyed woman fumbled for the switch next to the door. "Oh my GOD! MARK!", she screamed as her eyes took in the sight of Callie before her. "MARK!", she called out for him again and rushed over to her girlfriend – ex-girlfriend – no, girlfriend, she would make sure of that. Arizona took off her scarf and pressed it down at the two long cuts on the Latina's wrist.

"SLOAN", she hollered, panic filling her voice.

"Robbins, what the – shit!"  
"Call 911, Mark", she ordered. "Calliope, can you hear me? Calliope? Please. Callie? Callie!? What have you done? Calliope..." She brushed her black hair out of her face. Her skin was far too pale for her normally bronze tanned skin and she looked tired. Under her eyes were deep dark circles, she looked thinner, had definitely lost ten to fifteen pounds. "Calliope, I love you...so...so much." Arizona still tried to hold her tears at bay, but it was useless. "Calliope, can you hear me? I am here and I am staying, Calliope", she said again. She thought that, just maybe, Callie would react to her calling her Calliope. The blonde stroke Callie's cold cheeks, never loosen the pressure to her forearm.

"Can I do something? The EMT must be here any minute now. I called Bailey. I...I put your suitcase into my apartment."  
"Thanks, Mark", she answered in a barely audible voice.

"I had no clue", he admitted.

"This is not your fault", she sobbed.

"And it is not yours."  
"It is", she answered and hung her head.

"Then it is mine too. I didn't know she was..."  
"Ari-Arizon-na", Callie whispered.

Arizona's blue eyes shot down at the woman's head in her lap. Her eyes locked to the soft features of Callie's face. "Calliope", she said with a tears choked voice.

The brown eyes of the Latina fluttered shut again.

"Callie! No! Stay with me. You have to stay awake."  
"Arizona", she whispered again. "You..."  
"Yes. I am here and I am staying as long as you'll have me, do you hear me?" She felt a hand closing around her arm and looked down. It was Callie's. Her fingers hold on tight to the necklace with the heart-shaped pendant. Their present from their first valentine's day as a couple.

"Arizona, I love-"  
"I love you too, Calliope. More than anything else."

* * *

AN: Chapter 3 and 4 will be up soon.

AN2: Thanks for the reviews :D I really really appreciate them!


	3. Confessions

I own nothing except of my thoughts.

**Arizonas POV**

"She lost a lot of blood. Smart kid, took some aspirin to dilute her blood", Miranda Bailey said matter-of-factly. "She will be out like a light for a few hours. I think, you're staying in here, Dr. Robbins?", she asked and tried not to look at Arizona.

The blonde knew, the short woman was just trying not to show how much she really cared. She took a deep breath and nodded slightly.

"Good. Sloan, correct me if I am wrong, but I think your shift starts in just an hour?"  
"Bailey..."  
"I think you should use that hour to get a little more sleep, or at least get some rest", Bailey said and looked at Arizona this time.

"Thank you", the blonde mouthed and sat down in the chair next to Callie's bed. Without even noticing, her fore- and middle finger graced carefully the thick bandage around the Latina's wrist. "Calliope? I know, you can't hear me right now, but I have to tell you a few things, Callie. You are without a doubt the most important person in my life. I...I just couldn't drag you out of the life you have here. I just could not have been that selfish. I was selfish enough to even hope that you'd be happy in Africa. But...but the truth is, you'd have hated me at some point. Maybe you'd resent me in the end. You had no work there, at least not the work you have here. All the wonders you do here, it would not have been possible for you to do them in Malawi." She took Callie's hand in hers, it was still cold, but not as lifeless as it was two hours ago. "You had to stay, do you hear me? You are a rock star, Calliope, a superstar with a scalpel, as you say yourself. You give people hope to be able to walk again. You give painters with crushed hands the chance to work again with their hands. Calliope, you didn't know then, hell, even I should not have known, I maybe kinda eavesdropped...but you are in the run for the next Harper Avery. Do you know that you'd only be the second orthopedic surgeon to win this? It would have done you no good if you had gone to Africa with me. It had ruined us on top of your chance to win this award." She wiped away the tears and scanned the motionless body in front of her from head to toe with her blurry eyes. Although pale and thinner, the woman in front of her was still as beautiful as when they'd first met. "Calliope, I...I thought that Africa was my dream. It had been for so long. Africa and the head of my department. I helped so many children over there, Calliope. I really saw the difference. But I knew I made a mistake, going on that plane without you. And I knew, I would come back for you. Maybe a small part in me even hoped that you would still be there after three years. But the very truth is, and I know this now, that Africa is not my dream – not anymore. Dreams change. They change because of the people we let into our life, Calliope. You are my dream. You and the ten kids I promised you." She could not held back the laughter that erupted her body. "Maybe we should start with one child, what do you think?" She intertwined their fingers. "Calliope, it is kind of strange, but when I was in Africa, at night, when I didn't dream of you, I saw this little girl." She looked exactly like you, just...a tiny version of the beauty that you are. And she called me. She was calling me Mommy and her little chubby hand reached out for me." This time, she let the tears run freely down her cheeks. "Calliope, I want this. Do you hear me? I want you and I want that little girl. And if the first baby turns out to be a boy, we just have to try again", she laughed. "This is what I want. But I want so much more. I want rings. I want commitments. So, when you wake up, and when you are okay...and if you can find it somewhere in your big heart to forgive me...again...I will ask you to marry me. Legally, here in Washington. With everything and everyone. With a wedding cake so big we'll have leftovers for a month. With your parents and mine. With the Colonel walking me down the aisle, where I will wait for you in front of the altar. And I know I will be about to burst with excitement because I know you will be the most stunning bride the world will ever see."  
"Arizona?", she heard a voice behind her.

"Teddy", she answered quietly.

"I brought you coffee."  
She cupped the welcoming warm cup with her free hand and pulled it under her nose. "Mhmm, you would not think of it as possible, but I even missed the Seattle Grace Mercy West coffee", she said, offering a small smile.

"More than your best friend?", Teddy asked and raised an eyebrow. "How are you?"  
"Bailey said, she needs some rest. What if I had not found her, Teddy? What if my flight would have been just ten minutes late?"  
"Don't think about that, Arizona. You were there. And apparently you even convinced Sloan to give you his spare key. Some things happen as they do for a reason."  
She shot her best friend a death glare Bailey would have been proud of.

"I don't mean that it should have come this far – and we all carry our share of the blame for that. But what is more important now is, that she is alive. She's breathing and she will be okay, physically. And that you stay", she added in a serious tone. "You'll stay, right? You don't go back to Malawi when she's out of the hospital."  
"No. I'll stay. And if she does not want me to in the beginning, I'll just have to prove that I won't bail on her again.


	4. Good Man in a Storm

I own nothing, I wish I would ^^

**Arizonas POV**

"Robbins", Mark rounded the corner, a large smile on his face.

She stood up instantly and nearly spilled the rest of her coffee to go Teddy had brought over – again. She turned out to be one the best coffee delivery services Arizona had ever known, just because she refused to close her eyes as long as Callie was not awake. To get her out of her hospital room, had cost Teddy a good deal of persuasion.

"She's awake", Mark finally said and added something the blonde was not even a little bit interested in.

She had a place to be, so she took off and made it to Callie's door in record time - also known as Doctor mode. But she stopped abruptly in front of her room, the door handle firmly in her hand. Calliope was awake, but...would she want to see her? Suddenly, doubt crept its way through the blue-eyed body into her brain. Of course she came back for her. And in her half-conscious state, she'd told Arizona that she loves her. But, what if that was the reason. She was not thinking. She was not herself. She was not thinking rational. She hasn't been present, the loss of blood had made her sleepy.

"You'll never find out what she thinks when you stay out here, Arizona", came Teddy up behind Arizona. "And you should talk to her before Addison shows up and cuts off you head."  
"Addison Forbes Montgomery?", Arizona asked wide eyed.

"That would be the one."  
"Who called her?" Mark? Maybe Yang?

"I did."

"Teddy! You want to see me dead or what? Is this your revenge for me leaving for Africa?"

"I had no other choice, Arizona. I have a heart transplantation on a newborn in the evening and Addison delivered the babies the couple had, except for this one. She was requested." Teddy waited a moment before adding: "Go in. Talk to her. Even if she wants to, she's too weak to bite off your head."

"What a pep talk, Altman", she called after her best friend. "Okay, Arizona, you can do this", she said to herself. "You are a Robbins and Robbins men and women don't flinch and don't back down. We are good men in a storm." She shook her head. Nothing about her seemed to be a good man in a storm. They had their fair share of little fights and arguments. And they got out stronger in the end. But the bigger problems? Arizona knew, she was the one that practically ran away when Callie mentioned the want for a baby. And she had needed a lunatic for her to realize how important Callie was to her. And then? Then came Africa and she'd bailed once again. Her reasons may have been good and maybe right, but she knew now, she hadn't tried hard enough.

"Okay, Robbins...one, two...three." She turned the handle and walked quietly into Callie's room. The Latina lay still, staring stubbornly to the wall and hold onto the bandage with the other hand. "Calliope?"

She jerked and looked at Arizona. Her eyes went wide as she took in a breath out of pure shock and hold it "It was not a dream. You are here."  
The blonde nodded and moved forward to the bed. "Calliope...I...why?"  
Callie turned her face and looked at the ceiling, away from Arizona.

The Peds surgeon could see her swallow an obvious large lump and just a moment later tears fell unabashedly from her eyes.

"Sssshh, it's okay", Arizona whispered and with her thumbs wiped some teardrops away that were instantly replaced by new tears. She saw that Callie was trying to keep herself together, but gave in to her emotions and started to cry relentlessly. Deep sighs filled the otherwise silent room, sometimes combined with a fraction of her beautiful voice.

Arizona could barely stand the sight. It was all her fault. She pushed off her shoes and climbed into bed with the Latina as both hands cupped her cheeks. Each new tear gathered under her palms and she fought with everything she had, so she did not start to cry too. Please, let me be a Good Man in a Storm for once.

"Why?", she heard the tear choked voice that belonged to her heart.

"Why what?"  
"Why did you come back?"  
"Because I love you, Calliope."

"Then why did you leave me in the first place?"  
"Because people make mistakes. I am so, so, so sorry, Calliope. I-" now it was her time to swallow a lump. "All I want is right here." There were so many words in the English language, but none seemed to adequately explain how truly sorry she was.

"I don't know if I can believe you", she admitted and buried her face in the crook of Arizona's neck.  
"I know", she whispered. "I know." She kissed the top of her head and inhaled the scent that was so much Calliope.

The fingers of the brunette clung to the blondes back and her legs intertwined with hers. Maybe she was not ready to believe her yet, or to forgive her. But she wasn't ready to let her go, too.

"I'm not leaving you, Calliope. Never ever again.

* * *

AN: Some of the next parts will hold Callies POV of course. She just have to get a little better first.

AN2: R&R ;)

AN3: It'll take some time to get a new chapter done, so, I am already sorry for that.


	5. With you, I'll be okay - we'll be okay

**Callie's POV**

"Hey, Torres" Mark came into my hospital room.

"Hi", I whispered.

"You okay?"  
"Fine."  
"We both know, you're not."  
"Then why do you ask?"  
"Callie. Why haven't you talked to me? I was there. Right across the hall."

"I didn't want to talk about it."  
"So, ending your life was the better choice?", he asked angry.

I felt my tears welling again.

"Sorry. I'm just...I'm your best friend. You should have come to me. I thought you would."  
"I tried. Mark, I tried. And you didn't fail. I just couldn't. Talking about it made it real. And I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want to accept that I failed yet another relationship. I wasn't ready for that. I found myself so many times fighting a battle between going to Malawi or just hating her. I didn't know what to do. And now she's back!" Tears ran freely down my cheeks as my best friend sat down on the bed next to me, wrapping his strong arms around me.

"It's going to be okay, Cal."  
"But how? How do I know there are no sick kids in Germany or God knows where around the corner and she's just going to leave again?"  
"She loves you. She came back for you. You're her dream, Callie. She needed Africa to figure that out, but she did. She's not going to leave you a third time."  
"He's right", Arizona said.

I didn't know how much she heard.

"I won't leave you again, Calliope. It took a shooter and Africa for me to know that you're the one. But I plan to show you that _I am all in every day if you want_.I love you."

"I'll be outside, if you need me", Mark said and got up.

"Calliope. I mean it. I apologize to you every day, every hour, if that's what you need to believe me", Arizona said as we were alone. "You'll get discharged today."  
I nodded.

"I wanted to ask if it would be okay if I'd take you home? I got my job back, but Chief Webber said it's okay to start on Monday. So, that's four more days and I thought that, maybe we could-"  
"What if I don't want you there?"  
"Uhm..."  
"What made you think that you could waltz back into my life like that?"  
"I didn't-"  
"What if I don't want you in my life anymore so you can't even get the chance of abandoning me again?"  
"I love you", she stated. "Bailey said she'd spare you from having to see Dr. Wyatt. She know this is not you."

"But what if it is? What if that's exactly who I am, Arizona? There's only so much one can handle and I was done coping. Without you, I was nothing – am nothing. But it's not supposed to be this way. Love is not supposed to be utterly devotion and getting nothing in return. Love's supposed to be equal. It's supposed to make you stronger. But with you leaving, you took all that away from me. And if you hadn't come back, it would be over. But instead, I sit here, trying to figure out how I am able to walk these halls without people watching me like I was crazy."  
"No one knows. Bailey put something else in your charts, so, no one knows except for Bailey, Webber, Sloan, Tedy and me. Uhm...and Addison. No nurses whatsoever."  
"That's already six people, Arizona. Wait, did you say Addison?"  
"She did", Addison walked in.

Why does no one knock on doors these days?

"Addie..." I lowered my head, fumbling with the bandage around my wrist.

"Cal...it's good to see you."

I heard the smile in her voice. Finally looking up, knowing she wasn't judging me.

"I'm gonna get some coffee. Do you want any?"  
"Loved to. Black", Addison answered.

"Be right back."

As the door closed behind Arizona, Addison sat down in the chair next to my bed. "I guess there's no need to give you another speech?"  
I shook my head.

"So, she's back?"  
I nodded.

"Any idea what you're going to do about that?"  
I shook my head again.

"Do you love her?"

I looked down at my wrist again.

"Yeah, no need to answer that. I know you do. And I know you're scared."  
"I am."  
"And you don't know if you can trust her with you heart again. Do you think she deserves another chance?"  
"I do..."  
"Do you want to give her that chance?"  
"I do...but I don't know if I can."  
"It's gonna take some time, Cal. You need to talk about what happened. You two are so good at not talking, it's scary. And it's even more scary, that I know that from just our weekly phone calls. But, if you think she's worth the risk, then take it. Don't say no because you're scared right now. You don't want to sit in your living room five years from now and she'd moved on and is married to someone that's not you with 2.5 kids, a big house and a backyard."  
I smiled. Images of little Arizona's running around flashing through my head made me happy. But, not imagining a little me chasing them, made me sad. "You're right", I said. "It's good to have you here. But, you didn't just hop on a plane because I tried to..."  
"No. I have a surgery to attend to in an hour. Teddy's doing a heart transplantation on a newborn. And you know, I am the best", she grinned.

"That you are."

"I'm gonna go now, check on the baby. And you get a little more rest, before going home, okay?"  
I nodded.  
"Good girl. And don't give up. You told me, she's your one. So, go, take your one, tell her your bits and then get over it."  
"It's not that easy, Addie", I laughed.

"I know. Wish it would be, though."  
"Me too...me too."

"I'll come around after surgery. You still live across the hospital?"  
"Yep."  
"Good. See you later."

Right as she was about to leave she almost bumped into Arizona, thanking her for the coffee and then she was gone.

"Can I come in again?", Arizona asked.  
"Sure."  
"Did she tell you to tell me to get lost?"  
"No."  
"She didn't? I thought she would bite off my head."  
"That's not how Addie is. She's...she basically told me to listen to my heart."  
"And...uhm...what does your heart tell you?"  
"That I still want the ten kids you promised me", I grinned. "Not now, though. I love you, but there's so much to talk about. I want to make us work. I want to be able to call you my wife somewhere down the road. My dream's still the same and as hard as I tried the last weeks to rip you out of it, I couldn't. So, we need to talk, and I don't know how long it takes, but I hope you're still with me at the end of the tunnel."  
"I'll be there, every step of the way. I don't wanna live another day without you in my life."  
Before my tears could start again, I felt soft lips on mine. There was nothing sexual about that kiss. All I felt was love and that was all I needed at that moment.

"We're going to be okay."  
"We are", I said and smiled at her.

* * *

AN2: Maybe that's the end. I don't want to drag it out too far.


End file.
